I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
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This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
But wait…
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me