I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
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I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
You want to sext?
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!
-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
(with Cheeto stained lips)
Me: That’s my signature.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now