I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.

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I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.


Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!

Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️

Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?

Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy


[first day after lying on my job application]

me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something

co-pilot: what


judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence


I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.

72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.


The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed


Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.


How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?

Men: 58

Women: 1


[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that


The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.