I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
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Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes