I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
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Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir