I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
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Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.