I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
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Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites