I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
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If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Become a minion. Get that bread.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.