I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
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Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?