I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
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I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.