i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
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listen closely
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
And bowling should be called pinball
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that