I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
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[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.