I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
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Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.