I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
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Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.