I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
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[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
(True)
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again