I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
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Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus