I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
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Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
so much to do
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Pretty much! 😂👀
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?