I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
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I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*