I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
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[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.