I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
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Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
I have never related to anyone more.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.