I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
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[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Watson was Holmes schooled
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.