i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
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I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.