I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
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I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.