I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
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When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
good let them take over I have had enough
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough