I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
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A roof is a house hat.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*