I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
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I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Effort made
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.