I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
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“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’