@envydatropic I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
@thedad I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
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@envydatropic 
@Smooheed I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
@RickAaron $500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
@sageboggs Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
@QueenVofCoffee My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
@lizzzzzielogan I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
@decentbirthday [Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
@Fickle_Filly Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
@TheCatWhisprer Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
@_wangwe Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.