Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
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Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?