@Gupton68

I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.

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@UncleDuke1969

Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…

*opens laptop
*types

Wife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.

@stephenjmolloy

Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”

@caliluvgirl77

Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA

Natives: actually it’s no-

C: HI INDIANS

N: no see, we are nowhere near-

C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD

@CrockettForReal

I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job

@clichedout

[blind date]

HER: I love classic rock.

ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.

@dogfather

DOG 911: what’s your emergency?

DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller

DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY

@jasonmustian

“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook

@RdrJay47

Her: I have a marathon coming.

Me: Ooh, which show?

@treydayway

I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.

@LeBearGirdle

*looking up at the stars*

Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?

Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?