@o__0Dev

I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.

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@Token_Geezer

Fun Prank:

Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move

@SirFlushaLot

“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.

@Reverend_Scott

Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*

@DanMentos

Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs

@mrjohndarby

[arriving in hell]

devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*

me: *starts eating*

devil: wait, how?

@Marlebean

A plastic surgery slogan:

Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either

@Mike_Bianchi

Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.

@Duke1173

They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.

I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.

@T_Bonezzz_

STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET

1) PUT SHEET ON BED

2) FOLD BED

@Jamberee13

Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?

Calamarie Kondo: What