I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
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I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others