I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
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me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
What’s a Messi?
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
what the
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite