I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
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Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
How do horror writers compete with current events?
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…