I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying

You Might Also Like


Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.


Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.


HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking


Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.


Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.


[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”


Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.


Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping


Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣


* feels winds of change

* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts