@JerseyRambo

I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying

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@QwertyJones3

Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.

@MissAnneBlondie

Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.

@mjkspeaks

[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking

@rhysjamesy

Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.

@Marcmywords2

Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.

@dogfather

[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”

@JamieGreenlees

Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.

@molly7anne

Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping

@banged_upCanuck

Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣

@TheAlexP

* feels winds of change

* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts