I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
You Might Also Like
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.