I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
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One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
@ candidates for local office
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight