I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
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toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
me when the borders lift
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
My biological clock is wheezing.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”