I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
You Might Also Like
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly