I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
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Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Me: I’ll take 1 pound of slommy please.
Deli clerk: Um, do you mean salami?
Me (unable to admit when I’m wrong): You call yourself an Italian deli, and you don’t have slommy? Ridiculous.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Before crowbars crows drank alone
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?