I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
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My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.