I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
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Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Möther may I have a snäck
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.