Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶

– assembling my bike… I was about 6

All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.

[being murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.

I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.

I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”

I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!

scientist: what do u know about atoms

me: very little

[Commercial for X-Games]

Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?