I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
You Might Also Like
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Feel. He’s so soft.
Mmmm canned fish.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet