@squirrel74wkgn

I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.

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@Laser_Cat

“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.

@chemical_scum

One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?

Show your work.

@Lisabug74

The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.

@dhumann

Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.

@JediGigi

Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]

@baronvonbike

Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”

Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider

“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”

@3sunzzz

[God creating penguins]

I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.

@stephenjmolloy

Date: I like bad boys.

Me: I’m a drug dealer.

Date: But one that is also responsible.

Me: At a pharmacy.