@Laser_Cat “Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
@squirrel74wkgn I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
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@Laser_Cat 
@LurkAtHomeMom Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
@chemical_scum One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
@Lisabug74 The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
@dhumann Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
@JediGigi Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
@baronvonbike Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
@IamEnidColeslaw i was baptized in a car wash
@3sunzzz [God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
@stephenjmolloy Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.