Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!

2020: Nope.

2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!

2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.

I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.

Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.

do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”

People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes

Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right

Me: *crying*

Tween: *crying*

Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.

Me: We are.

I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.

She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.

I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.

*Adds track star to resume*

[last day of creative writing class]

“are u ready to name ur band?”

Dave Matthews: u bet i am

Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet

Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes

[first day as a spelling bee judge]

Me: your word is Sarcasm

Him: can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence

no

Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.

Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?

Me: …Kids?

Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.

I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min

Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.

I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.

I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.

Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin

Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO

just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.

*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold

Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”

Never been more impressed in my life.

Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.

boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ

It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!

A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.

Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.