I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
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I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Please do it!
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now