I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
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hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
This kinda thing happens to me often
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations