I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
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Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
peak technology
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.