I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
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[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
それは草
Life with a cat in one tweet
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?