i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival
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*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf