I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
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A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit