I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
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Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe