I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
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I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
My nickname in high school was “who?”
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.