I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
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I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk