I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.
It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Oh deer
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.