I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
You Might Also Like
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.