I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
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Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.